Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
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STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.