[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
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Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.