[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
You Might Also Like
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE