Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
You Might Also Like
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.