Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
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My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…