Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
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“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
No. He’s not coming out to play
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.