A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
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me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Customer is always right
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.