I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
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[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
He died doing what he loved: being alive
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.