Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
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me as a parent
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…