THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
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Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
Geez man, take it easy.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.