if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
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Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
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Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Omg 🤣
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread