The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
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Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit