My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
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I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Smells like a challenge to me
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.