Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
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Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Merica.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*