Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
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but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.