people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
You Might Also Like
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.