If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
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[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?