My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
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Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality