[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
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sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Cats (2019)
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
socratic questions
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose