Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
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Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
God, I love Scotland
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.