Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
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I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.