My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
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If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
twitter users today:
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.