Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
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One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I was bored.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
just having fun
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Happy thanksgiving!
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”