just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
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Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Baller is short for ballerina
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.