[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
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That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
This headline is a thing of beauty
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.