Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
You Might Also Like
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Matt Goss
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Peace was never an option
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one