*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
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I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.