People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
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[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Who chose this font
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
no regrets
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home