These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
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My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.