My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
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Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
a god among men
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space