RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
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me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
happy valentine’s day to me
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.