I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
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I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Boom, boom, ching!
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
How can I say no to this ?
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me