This sounds bad:
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dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
This is true.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?