Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
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everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.