“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
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I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Pot warmers of the day.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.