It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
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Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.