Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
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If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]