My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
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Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Mission: Impossible
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.