Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
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[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
they really do be looking like this
I want what they have
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
This is me
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.