I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
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[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.