When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
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spicy snake
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination