*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Great Canadian literature.
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.