If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
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Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.