Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
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Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner