If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
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The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Somebody call the cops.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?