Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
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Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.