Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
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Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.