North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
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at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread