If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
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Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away