[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
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I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”